This category contains 8 posts

why aren’t you listening to guthrie govan right now?

look, guys. i know you have your own individual and relevant tastes in music. that’s okay, it’s what makes america great: the right of choice. but if you people aren’t listening to Guthrie Govan’s Erotic Cakes, you’re missing out BIG time. here are a few irrefutable facts that will invariably lead to you going to your local record store and buying ten copies of this album.

1. the album is named ‘erotic cakes’

how much more edgy can you get? it’s sexy, delicious, and when it comes down to it, everybody loves cake, no matter what it’s shaped like.

2. it’s an ear-pleaser

this album is about as smooth as the smoothest thing you’ve ever experienced, times 100. minus four. plus 12 billion. yeah. that smooth.

3. i like it, therefore anybody with any kind of sophistication will like it too

i don’t mean to talk myself up too much, but i do have better music taste than all of you, and you could all learn a thing or two by paying attention to what i’m listening to on a daily basis. this is really a kind of charity i’m doing here, giving you the heads-up on a solid album that you would have never thought to get yourself. you’re welcome.

so there you have it, if you’re not completely convinced that you should go buy this album twenty times over, you’re illiterate. but fret not, because in this age of information i can convince you with the power of youtube:

go get this album, and then feel free to email me your thanks. i’ll be happy to receive them.


do you guys even remember jar jar binks?

i’m disappointed in you guys. i thought we were all on the same page. i thought we all agreed that with the completion of the 3 star wars ‘prequels’, george lucas swiftly and effectively raped our childhood.

and of those 3 prequels, the phantom menace is easily the worst one. i mean come on. half of the plot involves motherfucking jar jar binks, the most hated character of the silver screen (he deserves it). jar jar is, hands-down, the most infuriating character to watch. george lucas must really hate his viewers, or maybe he just doesnt give a fuck about them.

and look- i know kids are ‘cute’ and all, but for the love of god; the kid they got to play anakin skywalker is THE worst actor on the planet (then in episodes 2 and 3 they replaced him with an even more horrendous actor). and i’m not saying that episode one is devoid of acting talent; they’ve got liam neeson and natalie portman. but for christ sake, i hate that little anakin with all of my heart.

Jake Lloyd portrayed 9-year-old Anakin Skywalker

derp derr derrrp use forse derp

do you guys remember that big fight at the end of the movie? the one where the big-ass donut-shaped trade federation fleet ships are busting naboo’s balls and all those yellow naboo ships go and fight them? and anakin activates one with his ass as he falls head-first into it and then miraculously blows up a whole ship? yeah. i do too.

and that fight with darth maul, that was so lame. maul is the most gangster sith lord, and yet he is easily chopped in half by obi wan. i was so disappointed when i first saw that scene.

stop feeding these hollywood trolls who just want your cash. george lucas is going to make millions (probably billions) off of this whole 3D craze, and you’re helping him do it. you’re helping him and all producers and studios like him who will sell america any steaming pile of shit as long as it makes money. so i guess if you’re willing to hand your money to these hollywood half-wits, then i hope you enjoy seeing jar jar binks in stunning, high-definition 3-D. i hope you enjoy every ‘meesa’ and ‘yoosa’ blasted into your eardrums by Dolby Digital 5.1 SurroundSound™. and most of all, i hope you enjoy knowing that we’re all in for much more jar jar, and you’re the ones who brought him back. (SMH).

i watch c-span… for leisure

look, i know it seems really lame, but c-span is an awesome channel.

i had a real c-span kick last week, i watched some mitt romney jawns and then john huntsman’s daughters and significant other talking about his campaign and such. and let me tell you: john huntsman’s daughter is hot. and i’m not talking about liddy or whatever her name is. fuck her. i’m talking about mary anne and abby. my god. they are so hot. and i wouldn’t have known this important fact w/o the help from c-span’s broadcast staff.


mary anne, liddy, and abby (forget about liddy)

i mean seriously, how can one man have such attractive daughters? AND he’s running for prez? i’ma vote for him sooo hard, just so i can know that the white house is inhabited by some real hotties.

i guess c-span has nothing to do with this post, i just wanted to let you know my opinion on john huntsman’s daughters. thanks for reading.

i hate hate hate football

i see the allure and all, it’s flashy, fast-paced, and loud. but i just can’t enjoy it. it’s like america’s modern bloodsport; the contemporary gladiator fight. it’s kind of sickening.

i mean just look at the gameplay. it’s a bunch of enormous men throwing themselves at each other, tackling and maiming and biting one another. the most successful players merely avoid getting killed every game. it’s depressing to look at the stats regarding debilitating injuries (most notably concussions), but it’s like it’s condoned in the NFL.

i also hate the enormous egos of the players. everyone MUST celebrate exuberantly if they get a good tackle, or if they catch the ball, or if they get a first down. like, calm the fuck down dude. you’re not special, give it a rest. and don’t even get me started on chad “eight-five”. like seriously? ochocinco? you changed your family name in favor of ochocinco? that doesn’t even mean 85, it means 8-5. idiot.

plus there are so many commercials during football games. in baseball, you get a full half-inning free of commercial interruption, with the exception of pitching changes and other game-delays. in football however, advertisers love packing commercials into every single nook and cranny the NFL will allow them. i mean, the superbowl is KNOWN for the commercials. some people watch it ONLY for the commercials. that’s fucking wack. plus, by the fourth quarter, you’ve already seen that bud light or chevy commercial like twenty times. give it a fucking rest!

in conclusion, football’s gameplay, enormous egos, and incessant advertisement make it wholly unwatchable for me. i’ll stick to my laid-back baseball games and adrenaline-devoid golf broadcasts thank you very much.

i want to be tom kenny

Tom Kenny at Comic-Con 2008.

Tom Kenny (Image via Wikipedia)

tom kenny is the best voice actor ever.

he’s probably best-known to some of you as the voice of spongebob squarepants, but he is in a lot of other things as well, including what i’ve been watching recently: rocko’s modern life. it seems that kenny is the voice of at least 80% of the characters on-screen, and i’m willing to admit that that’s why i love it so much. his voice is just so funny, the timbre of his voice is just perfect. the way he delivers his lines is so genius, especially in his pronunciation. i mean, it’s really hard to describe something you hear through words, but you just know it when he speaks.

i hope to one day develop his talent for voice acting (especially the infomercial voice he does). i mean, it must be cool to know that you’re the voice for 80-90% of the characters on a cartoon show. i’d love to be able to say that one day.

anyway, just wanted to share with you all, and sorry for the lack of posts this week, i guess i’ve been a little uninspired w/r/t writing. I’ll try to do better, but not for your sake, for mine. that’s why i’m doing this anyway, right?

i love stephen colbert

i don’t know why but stephen colbert never gets old to me. his jokes are always funny, and his persona never ceases to amuse me.

the brilliant thing about colbert’s character on the show is that he is always right, no matter if he is proven wrong by an expert on the subject. in fact, especially if he is proven wrong by an expert on the subject. the only thing that matters to colbert is that he get a chance to speak, and speak he does.

it’s just so refreshing to know that since its inception, the colbert report continues to entertain with awesome jokes and satire. i especially love campaign season, because the colbert report’s jokes w/r/t political commercials are always spot-on. thank you, stephen colbert. you’re the best.

i’m currently watching…

im currently watching bend it like beckham, and I can’t help but love Kiera Knightley, even though she’s like a twig in this movie. I just think she’s so sexy, for some indeterminate reason.  Maybe it’s her blonde highlights, or her british accent.  I was wondering about accents the other day, and I want to know whether– omg kiera in this scene is wearing the skimpiest top… *gargle gargle drool drool*– anyway, I wanted to know whether British people thought American accents were sexy or not… idk i guess it’s just mindless drivel coming out of me at this point.

tl;dr Kiera Knightley is the sexiest ever.

Photo of Keira Knightley at the 2005 Toronto I...

i’ve just got to say

that david cross and bob odenkirk are two of my favorite people in the entire world. mr show is serious genius. anyway, just wanted to share.

July 2018
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