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Nonsense, Stream of Consciousness

and that’ll feel great

look, i know i haven’t posted in a while, and to be honest, i’m not sure why. i certainly haven’t run out of things to talk about. i haven’t fallen out of love with how i sound in my head when i write. i haven’t fallen out of love with writing, either. if anything, i’m more fond of the practice now that i’ve been writing more.

is it a lack of inspiration? i mean, i know it’s easier to write about things you hate, and 2 weeks ago my life was filled with that, thus the increase in posts. but nowadays, i’m just.. content. content enough to avoid writing, because if i’m happy, what would i write about? being happy?

but am i really happy? not really. i mean, generally yes, but i feel something lacking. it’s a little past unbearable, but i can’t even put my finger on what it would be called. i’m not dying to get into a relationship, i’m not overwhelmingly lonely. or maybe i am. maybe i’m the loneliest person in the world.

i have a feeling that the world is filled with lonely people. because how can you really connect with somebody? how can you share a mind, a heart. a soul. if we’re all so unique like we enjoy thinking, then how can two people be a match? i guess i have low confidence in even delving into that realm of two-ness. i’m still trying to figure out my one-ness.

i mean look, i’m human, right? i want to be heard, to be loved, to be held, to be understood. there’s no greater high than to look into somebody’s eyes and know that they understand you, without any words exchanged. i think that’s what we all live for, deep down. isn’t that what everyone is looking for? that level of communication where only your eyes do the talking. i mean, that’s only one peice of the whole thing but you know what i mean.

on one hand, it’s easy being single. you can act on impulse and only think for yourself. but there are certain times when you just want someone to lean on, to rely on, to share everything with. it’s nice having a partner in crime.

so i guess i’m just trying to say that as far as this whole blogging thing goes, i’m aware of my ineptitude. just bear with me, and someday you’ll be able to say “i’ve been into nate garfield ever since he had that shitty blog all those years ago”. and that’ll feel great.

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February 2012
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